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Funny Dating Quotes and Love Sayings

Being single and out in the dating world is full of humorous takes. We found many of them and added them to our list of quotations.

Funny dating quotes? There's a million of 'em. Why? Perhaps no other topic in the course of human events provides as much fodder for humor as romantic relationships. It seems that folks just really don't understand each other, and that makes it ripe for comedic insights.

So, no matter where you're at with the dating experience, it helps to have a good sense of humor. With that in mind, here are some of our favorite, funny dating quotes. And, if you're in a hurry, we start off with the Ten Best.

Ten Best Funny Dating Quotes

1.) My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
Emo Philips

2.) Employees make the best dates. You don't have to pick them up and they're always tax-deductible.
Andy Warhol

3.) I don't make mistakes… I just date them.
Unknown

4.) I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
Rodney Dangerfield

5.) I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

Dating a man is like flying a kite image

6.) Dating a man is like flying a kite. You only need to know when to wind up the string or let it out.
Jenna Alatari

7.) Workshops and seminars are basically financial speed dating for clueless people.
Doug Coupland

Funny Dating Quotations

Garry Shandling joke on his girlfriend image

8.) I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.
Garry Shandling

9.) I don't always know when someone is attracted to me, but when I do, it's two years later.
Unknown

10.) There's plenty of fish in the sea, I'm just no good at fishing.
Unknown

Funny Dating Sayings

Everybody knows the pressure of a first date: Searching for that perfect outfit. Hunting for ways to be engaging. Dissecting each detail when it's over to check for mistakes. Dating can make even the most confident person lose his cool.
Kelly Starling
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
Richard Jeni
When he said he lived in a gated community, I didn't consider jail as one.
Unknown
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day, and another, in case it doesn't rain.
Mae West
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
David Young
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
My girlfriend told me she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
Emo Phillips
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away.
Jenny McCarthy

Online Dating Lines Funny

Online dating is like online shopping except you're looking for people no one wants and it's $50 a month.
Phil Pivnick
Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from.
Mae West
Online dating is just as murky and full of lemons as finding a used car in the classifieds. Once you learn the lingo, it's easier to spot the models with high mileage and no warranty.
Laurie Perry
Don't look for a partner who is eye candy. Look for a partner who is soul food.
Karen Salmansohn

If you have any ideas for additions to our Funny Dating Quotes page, please let us know via our contact page. Thanks.

Lovable Quotes

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn." My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn." Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.
Mitch Hedberg
There's only two people in the world you should lie to the police and your girlfriend.
Jack Nicholson
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Rita Rudner
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
Albert Einstein
Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again.
Susan Healy
Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.
Scott Adams

12 Rules of Dating Video

Not Just Friends

I was dating a guy for a while because he told me he had an incurable disease. I didn't realize it was stupidity.
Gracie Hart
Definition of stalking: It's when two people go on a long romantic walk together, and yet, only one knows about it.
Unknown

Relationship Woes

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
Rita Rudner
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
Richard Jeni
My father always said, 'Be the kind they marry, not the kind they date.' So on our first date, I'd nag the guy for a new dishwasher.
Kris McGaha
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
Bob Ettinger
My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

Check out What Becomes of the Brokenhearted and other top Motown Tracks.

Quotations About Dating

Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to the capitalist mode of production.
Herbert Marcuse
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
Cindy Gardner
Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman.
Oscar Wilde
I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn't really a "date-date." We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed.
Dave Attell
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
Chelsea Handler
Valentine's Day is being marketed as a Date Movie. I think it's more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do not date that person again. And if you like it, there may not be a second date.
Roger Ebert
I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
Tracy Smith
Note: These funny love quotes make great photo captions for friends and family.

Funny Sayings on Romance

To keep your marriage brimming; With love in the loving cup… Whenever you're wrong to admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.
Ogden Nash
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serving you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
Helen Rowland
There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach.
Barbara Hower
I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Henny Youngman
When you're in love, it's the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.
Richard Lewis
Love, at first sight, is possible, but it pays to take a second look.
Unknown
You'll love these funny Social Distancing Pick Up Lines.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
Richard Jeni
Romance is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Unknown
Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass.
English Proverb
My father always said, 'Be the kind they marry, not the kind they date.' So on our first date, I'd nag the guy for a new dishwasher.
Kris McGaha
Romance is like a Rhino, short-sighted, but always willing to find a way.
Unknown
Treat me like a joke and I'll leave you like it's funny.
Unknown

Romantic Thoughts

A kiss is a rosy dot over the 'I' of loving.
Cyrano de Bergerac
What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.
Pearl Bailey
My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
Erich Segal
The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.
Blaise Pascal
Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.
Samuel Lover
An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie
Romance is the icing, but love is the cake.
Unknown
Romantic love is a mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one.
Fran Lebowitz
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
Alan King
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it.
Francois De La Rochefoucauld
If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something.
Fran Lebowitz
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly Mcgee
Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
Christopher Marlowe
I saw that you were perfect and I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.
Angelita Lim

Funny Love Quotes

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
Joan Crawford
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Unknown
I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.
Wendy Liebman
One day, some guy is gonna see me eating a whole rotisserie chicken with my bare hands in my parked car and think "That's her, she's the one."
Eden Dranger
Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.
George Burns
You can't blame gravity for falling in love.
Albert Einstein
I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
Jim Bishop
Dating an ex is the equivalent of failing a test you already had the answers to.
Kendrick Cole

Humorous Takes on Relationships

Dating is like pushing your tray along in a cafeteria. Nothing looks good, but you know you have to pick something by the time you get to the cashier.
Caprice Crane
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then, walk into a pole.
Unknown
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
I've been single for a while and I have to say it's going very well. Like… it's working out. I think I'm the one.
Unknown
Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.
George Burns
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
Rodney Dangerfield
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
Joey Adams
Current relationship status: I made dinner for two. Ate both.
Unknown
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
Will Ferrell
Dating is about finding out who you are and who others are. If you show up in a masquerade outfit, neither is going to happen.
Henry Cloud

Dating quotes advice

Don't look for a partner who is eye candy. Look for a partner who is soul food.
Karen Salmansohn

You didn't date someone to change him. You dated him because you wanted him for the way he was. Flaws and fears and all.
Jean Oram

Better to put your heart on the line, risk everything, and walk away with nothing than play it safe. Love is a lot of things, but "safe" isn't one of them.
Mandy Hale

A person's readiness to date is largely a matter of maturity and environment.
Myles Munroe

There is so much hurt in this game of searching for a mate, of testing, trying. And you realize suddenly that you forgot it was a game, and turn away in tears.
Sylvia Plath

Every broken heart has screamed at one time or another: Why can't you see who I truly am?
Shannon L. Alder

You know, the man of my dreams might walk round the corner tomorrow. I'm older and wiser and I think I'd make a great girlfriend. I live in the realm of romantic possibility.
Stevie Nicks

— Mike O'Halloran

Mike is an author and co-founder of Listcaboodle.

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